Sunday, May 15, 2011

My inner pest

We all have an inner voice. Some have a little voice that whispers to them. Mine is a screamer. My inner voice yells at me all the time and it has a tendency to sound like a cross between Sam Kinison and Lucy (of the Charlie Brown cartoons). Sometimes it drowns me out as I’m speaking by giving me such sound advice as “Shut up!”; ”Stop talking!”; “Arrggghh” (that's Lucy); ”What are you wearing?”; “What’s up with your hair?!”; “Crap!” and of course a lot of cussing which I won’t repeat. I have no idea where this inner voice came from… or even when it made its first appearance, but it constantly keeps me on my toes.

Some people say you should follow your inner voice. But I'm fairly certain that my inner voice is not to be followed. I’m not crazy. I don’t have any demons lurking in my psyche. But my inner voice is not one of the wisest of voices. In fact, for the most part when it’s not criticizing me, it’s usually humoring me with interesting but stupid thoughts. The other day it informed me that Bugs Bunny is really a jack rabbit and perhaps should not be trusted. A paranoid jokester...that's my inner voice.


Monday, May 9, 2011

My Inner Pessimism

The list of things I can’t do gets longer every day. There are the obvious ones, like I can’t fly or be a super model. (I’m under 6 feet tall, I eat, and I’ve got human arms and legs...which explains the modeling part... not the flying part.) And there are frustrating things like not having the time or money to travel.

I suppose that I could take the high road and cheerfully describe exotic trips to my kitchen, my treks to the garage, my safari trips through the weeds of the back yard, and I could describe in great detail past archeological digs through the rooms of my kids. But I have decided instead to sulk because I'm lazy and it's easier.

As I age I am starting to have a deep appreciation for the philosophy of the pessimist. For example, let’s say you believe the glass IS half full… is it going to get any fuller? NO, and in all honesty, it will eventually just evaporate. However, if you believe it is half empty you may put some effort into replenishing it. See? The same can be said about the lemonade scenario. An optimist will attempt to make lemonade out of life's lemons. But when a pessimist is handed lemons they are more likely to start looking for the tequila and salt...which I now prefer over lemonade.

Okay, one more attempt to explain my new found pessimism... with a joke. Here goes: Today my optimism turned to pessimism when I spilt my “half-full” glass of wine and it stained the’s just that now I wish it had been half empty.

I'm just saying...


Thursday, May 5, 2011

OMG Yellow?! (true story)

This post is really to give warning to be careful when allowing men to pick colors.

I now believe that my husband, while not necessarily color blind, does wear color blinders. I discovered this when he decided to repaint our house a few years ago. After a visit to Disneyland he decided that he really (really) liked the color of Mickey’s house. (A cute bright yellow and green)

Please make a note…never base a house color on a CARTOON.

What I didn’t realize is that he meant that he was going to paint the house EXACTLY like Mickeys. He went out and got the brightest yellow he could find. He called it “friendly” yellow…our neighbors refered to it as “OH MY GOD THAT'S A BRIGHT" yellow. Yeah, he painted our house OMG yellow. I made a joke about the astronauts seeing it from space, but that didn’t deter him…he said it made him smile. I, on the other hand felt the glare of the neighbors…and heard the whispers of “see…I told you…” and “Oh my god you weren't kidding”.

One evening we were having dinner with some friends and friends of friends who happened to be police officers and one happened to be a helicopter pilot. When we mentioned where we lived he asked us if we knew about the bright yellow house. My husband happily exclaimed that it was ours. I tried to pretend that I didn’t know nothin’ ‘bout no yellow house. (You got nothing on us coppers!) The officer responded with “No shit?”

“Why?” I asked him.

He laughed and told us that they use it for reference… you know… a landmark of sorts...a beacon. (A beacon!? Our house was a beacon for air traffic!!!)

“That’s it!” I shouted ”We are painting that house!”

The next day I went out and got a much softer shade of yellow. As I was painting the front of the house several neighbors came by to thank me. One elderly lady from the neighborhood actually stopped her car in the middle of the road, got out, walked up to me, and asked me if I was painting over the existing "cheerful looking yellow" as she put it. I hesitated for a second thinking that she might be disappointed. I eventually told her yes, and was prepared to explain the whole story. But, as soon as I said “yes” she shouted “Hallelujah! Bless you child” and went on her way.

I'm not sure I will ever quite understand the deep religious reactions people have toward yellow. I do know that if you are ever put in charge of painting a church you may want to consider yellow.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

My Body is a Temple…okay, maybe the Temple of Doom

My doctor is always telling me to take better care of myself and get more exercise. I told him that I do exercise certain parts of my body. In making my point, I showed him just how strong my middle finger was. He didn’t seem to appreciate it much; in fact he threw me out of his office.

It’s not like I’m completely out of shape, I do get exercise. I do chin ups…I lift my chin UP when I’m drinking, especially to get that last bit of my nutritional health drink that some call "wine". Seriously though, it could be worse. I have a friend whose diet plan is to smoke like a fiend and considers coughing part of her daily exercise routine.

Besides, I have seen just how big pants can get. I think giant pants are awesome! I actually got a pair and carry them around with me. I like to hold them up when anyone gives me a condescending look. For some reason it works well as a criticism deterrent. However, most people misunderstand the point. They assume that I once fit into these super-sized pants, when in fact, I’m showing them the grand goal I have set for myself!