Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Jerrold H. Zar in 1992. (Still Fitting today...11 years later)

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when I rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checker's Hour
spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flair,
Their are no fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a ware.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting too pleas.

Sauce Unknown

OMG I'm back!

Yes, After taking a hefty hiatus to write my novel I am finally back. In truth though, I think it's Twitter that has made me lazy. All I have to do is come up with 140 characters. That's just too easy. It's not even words... in fact it's generally something like fifteen words. Right?

So, I'm going to continue my lazy streak and blog some of my favorite...well...some of my tweets. So anyway, without any further ado, here they are:

• # hmmm...It used to be called the pound symbol.When did it turn into a hash tag? The drug crowd has way too much influence on twitter. :)
• I drank tequilla then mowed my lawn in honor of Cinco de Mayo.
• My Hubby bought an power screw driver, not he's screwing everything up.
• Since my house has lost values.I finally understand why my Realtor called himself a "broker"."
• That feeling you get when you see an armored car and think, "Yeah, I could take that"? That's how I feel about ice cream trucks."-Chuck Watkins‏@ChuckWatkinsEsq
• Don't you wish you had an "undo" button for life's everyday little "oh crap"s.
• What do you get if you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's witness? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all. it's #stillfunny
• Discovered a superhero today called 'Arm Fall Off Boy'  who’s power is to detach his own arm and use it to whack his enemies with." (It's real, see attached photo.)
• #Fall-Off-Arm-Boy. It would be interesting to see him battle it out with Kick Butt Boy.

ARRRGGGHHH

Okay…now it’s an effing game with you.

You hover around bugging the shit out of me

When I finally start paying attention to you…you disappear.

When I least expect it…there you are again.

You have a weird attraction to me.

Even when I can’t see you I know you are nearby.

But I want nothing to do with you.

I wave you off.

But you strike a pose as if threatening me.

Oddly enough that gives me some relief.

Hoping it may help bring an end to your sick game.

But as soon I get close again, close enough to whack you.

You are up and off, once more.

Son of bitch.

I see the mischievousness in your gross and unblinking eyes.

Quit touching my hand and stay off my computer you creepy little thing.

I see you for what you are.

I can only imagine the parasitic diseases you must carry.

Go ahead keep distracting me...

keep irritating me...

because sooner or later

I will win this game you started.

You creepy...

nasty

fly.

I HAVE A VISION…well, I have a television.

I thought now that I have some extra time I’d get caught up on important things… like TV.

What I discovered was shocking!  Television, especially daytime TV, sucks!

I think the network executives know this because they seem to be trying to spice things up by giving shows violent names like Storage Wars, Karaoke Battles, BeatBox Battles, Towing wars, and my favorite the Cupcake wars. (What can be better than violence and baked goods?)

If creatures from other planets got a glimpse of our current TV shows they would have to assume that we are an incredibly petty race considering the things we seem to be battling over.

The food network is one of the worst. Do the executives there really believe that men are that stupid? Do they think that giving baking shows brutal sounding names is is going to fool men into watching a couple gay guys and some fat broads whipping up a batch of cupcakes?

While baking shows are given violent names, game shows are just becoming more violent. I remember when people use to sit in chairs, answer questions, and a buzzer was used to indicate wrong answers. Now, contestants are thrown off catapults and buildings. They are thrown into water and pelted with objects. There is even a show that gives contestants an electric shock for answering wrong. What has happened? 

Groucho Marx’s “You Bet your life” would have a whole new meaning in today’s world.

I also can’t stand the excessive narcissism of reality shows. The Fanny Pack (aka the Kardashians) are the worst with their inordinate greed and gluttony. Even the commercials for the show are benign. There was actually one commercial that showed the Kardashians at the dentist and said “find out which Kardasian has a cavity”. (I bet millions were shaking with excitement for that riveting episode.)

I find it hard to believe that anyone cares which one has a cavity, or which one pees on herself, or which on farted in public. Seriously, if you are waiting on the edge of your seat to find out which Kardasian had a public butt malfunction, you need to get a life even more than I do.

We live in a weird society.

There's also a bizarre show called “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant”. In almost every episode a woman is in a bathroom in pain. She thinks she has a bad case of constipation, but ends up with a baby in the toilet. I really just think they should rename the show “OMG…Look What I Just Crapped Out!”

Another popular reality show that bugs me is the one with the plastic women. Their facial skin is pull so tight that they look like reconstructed burn victims. They have fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails, and fake tans. What is it called? What else…The Real Housewives. (Plah-leeze…)  A real housewife would be in sweats, a stained t-shirt, yelling at her kids while burning some Hamburger Helper on the stove.



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My "Been There...Done That...and Hell No" Bucket list

Recently I have been reviewing the whole “bucket list” subject again. It hasn’t been that easy to come up with items for my list (as noted in my Aug 13th blog), which I think surprised me a bit. I started asking around to see what other people had on their list.  It was an interesting exercise.  I actually found that (although inadvertently) I have already experienced many items on the bucket lists of others.

Examples:

When asked what should be on a bucket list, a few people said “Make a difference or change in someone’s life”. It wasn’t until I was reviewing my notes when I realized that this statement needs some clarification. For instance, being fired from your job or being run over by a steam roller would make a difference and change in your life. Hell, for that matter, just by being born we changed someone’s life. (Our parents) We may have even taken away the privilege of being an only child from our sibling. So, I think technically we can all check that one off our list!

One person told me that he would like to finish all the miscellaneous things he started. At first I thought that sounded like a good goal, until I looked at the newly opened gallon of Tequila that I just bought from Costco. Perhaps that goal should be defined more clearly or that could kill me.

Someone had mentioned packing bags and taking off on a trip without an itinerary. Yep, done that! Not on purpose though. It was one of those trips where my husband and I thought the other had made arrangements. We slept in our car one night and spent the rest of the time in a lovely motel 6 with stains on the carpet and mold in the shower. I know…it sounds romantic… but really it wasn’t. I would never do that again. But at least I have another item in the “check” column.

Fly a plane: I not only flew a plane, but I owned it and built it. Impressive, huh? Granted it was made of balsa wood and was only 12 inches long. Plus, it only lasted about 3 flights. It was destroyed when it took a nose dive into the street and was run over by a Sparklett’s water truck. The horror has stuck with me and now I only fly paper.

Fly first class: Is that even an option anymore? Does sitting in the front row on a SouthWest flight count?

Visit the Eiffel Tower: I saw the one in Las Vegas…so who needs to see the real one? Right? (At least that’s what my husband keeps telling me.)

Build a pond: One of my friends said building a pond in their backyard was on their bucket list. I haven’t myself built a pond, but my son did in a field behind our house. So I guess you can say I aided and abetted in the creation. My son and his friend were either trying to build a pool or escape to the other side of the world. They got about 3 feet deep (which was impressive) and lost interest. It became a pond after the first rain. When it dried out, my son put a board over the top of it (in case they wanted to continue on their voyage to the center of the earth). What he ended up creating, was a den for one of our local coyotes. We discovered this in the spring when we had a bunch coyote pups running around. It did help us lower the rabbit population for a while. But we eventually had to evict them. So… Bucket list regarding a back yard pond – check. Aiding in the building of a habitat for wild life - check

Swim with sharks: I actually did this many years ago, but only by circumstance. I was participating in an organized group swim that went out and around the pier in Santa Cruz. Unbeknownst to us the restaurants on said pier were throwing out discarded fish parts. So in effect, they were chumming the waters. Several sharks were spotted within feet of us. You never saw a group of casual swimmers race so fast to shore. (I think some were even hydroplaning.) So, I can check “swim with sharks” off my list.

Wrestle a bear: While I have never actually wrestled a bear, I did go nose to nose with one. While in college I went backpacking with a group of friends. One morning I woke up to someone with really bad breath breathing on me. When I opened my eyes I found I was face to face with a bear standing over me and smelling my breath. I must have had the most horrendous morning breath to cause a bear to come out of the woods to investigate. Fortunately for me, he was just a yearling and was as afraid of me as I was of him. Like a scene out of a movie we both took off screaming in opposite directions. So, while I can’t say I wrestled a bear, I can say I scared a bear…but then again that may be a humiliating thing to admit.

Live in a foreign country for at least 6 months: Does living in East LA count? (Lived there for 2 years)

_______________
I will admit that there are items that others have put on their bucket lists that I have no desire to do. For instance:
_______________

Bungee jumping: I get a headache just bending over. I can only imagine that my head might explode if I hang for any length of time upside down by my ankles. Besides, I had a paper route as a kid and I had more rubber bands break on me then I care to think about.

Snorkel: I don’t really have a desire to snorkel. Unless that means to snore and chuckle at the same time which my husband has accused me of doing at times.

Run with the Bulls: I have no real desire to do this, unless it’s with Kurt Thomas or one of the other Chicago Bulls. (Although I’d prefer to walk)

Yoga retreat…One of my friends suggested this one, but I would prefer a yogurt treat (especially frozen yogurt).  I would go along with a retreat if that means a second helping.


So, there you have it. It’s not really a bucket list. In fact I still need to work on that. This would be more of a “been there, done that, and hell no” list.

Fairy Tales and Reality Shows Have a Lot In Common

Yesterday I was in the library and one of the librarians was reading Jack and the Bean Stock to a group of kids. I remembered it as a kid, so I stopped to listen. 

I find that as an Adult I realized that I have a completely different view of this story. I have to ask… what is the moral?

Here is my interpretation of the story of Jack and The BeanStock:   This kid, Jack, is too lazy to walk his cow all the way to town, so he sells her to the first guy he meets who has nothing but a fist full of beans. So, right off the bat we know this kid is probably the result of some sort of inbreeding.

Then, fortunately for him the seeds grow into an enormous bean stock which he climbs and finds a house where a giant lives. This giant has a goose that lays golden eggs. Jack steals this goose. The goose holler’s which alerts the Giant (so obviously the goose didn’t want to go with Jack). The Giant chases Jack, but as soon as Jack gets to the ground he chops the bean stock down, thus causing the Giant to fall (committing manslaughter).  The story ends there with Jack and his mom (which obviously is a story in itself) living happily ever after on the riches of the golden eggs the goose is now forced to lay for them whenever they choose.

So, as an adult I’m hearing that this Jack fellow is lazy, is a thief and killer. Yet, he and his mother live happily ever after? How is it this okay?

What is the message here? That giants are bad people? Unless you are an A’s fan, I don’t see how that generalization can be made.

It made me realize how wrong all those stories were that I grew up with, yet somehow they do relate to today's society.  For example:  

~The woman who lived in a shoe with so many children she didn’t what to do….slut?...or Octomom?
(Of course we also have Kate plus 8 and Angelina Jolie as well) 

~Goldilocks committed a break-in and should be considered a thief.  However, she is painted as victim, because she was scared by some bears.  (Lindsay Lohan?  The stars of Pretty Wild?)

~Three Men in a Tub?  It sounds like a porno in the making. (Today we have the Kardashians and Paris Hilton who are only famous because of a sex tape.)

I think I'm starting to understand the meaning of these old fairy tales.  I think the true message of these stories is that the world is effed up!


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My Bucket List

I started to write my life plan and got bored. Not surprising…it hasn’t been a ball of excitement so far. But I did review my strengths (limited) and weakness (too many to mention).

My biggest weakness seems to be a lack of talent. While, I can make a mean margarita, successfully operate a DVR, and actually fold a map. I have to ask myself… is that enough?

In the kitchen I am a whiz as long as the food is precooked and frozen. I'm not bad at baking, unfortunately however, when the nation switches completely over to fluorescent bulbs my Easy Bake Oven will be out of commission and then I’ll be screwed.

I do succeed in self-pity, whining, and bitching. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen those listed under any job descriptions.

So instead of a "life plan", I have decided to work on my bucket list. In writing this list I realized that I am really not into the hard-core I-might-die-from-this shit. It's actually nothing too extraordinary, but I'm sure it's different now than it would have been 20 years ago. Anyway, this is what I came up with:

#1. I like to laugh and I've always admired comedians. I have an appreciation for people who can make others laugh; come up with brilliant ideas; and complain and bitch in a way that makes it funny. I would like to learn to do that and take on the world by making them laugh.
So…
     ~~Bucket list Item #1… learn to do standup.
(I am actually doing this! I have been attending workshops and have a performance scheduled for the 24th.)

#2. I’ve always wanted to finish a book. ~~Bucket List #2…read a book all the way through.

#3. I’ve also wanted to write a book and now with some of these free on-line publishing programs it’ll be easier to self-publish. Plus, I can make it as long or short as I like! So watch for my 10 page cook book to be published soon. It will be called “Yes…it is food…so shut up and eat it."
    ~~Bucket List #3 …write and publish a book…any book.

#4.  I need to come up with more to put on my bucket list.
   ~~ Bucket List #4  finish bucket list.  (I think that's a bit like using your third wish to wish for more wishes.)

So there it is...short and sweet and still a little boring...just like me. :-]  


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