Thursday, July 17, 2014

My Warped View on Evolution

As you read this I want you to be opened minded, because I am going to dispute the fact that we have evolved from apes. Now hear me out before you make judgment and I will explain my reasoning on this subject and it has nothing to do with any religious beliefs.

First, all you have to do is look at your toes to begin to understand where I’m coming from, because frankly, they’re pretty much worthless. If we were more advanced than apes shouldn’t we be able to do things with our toes? Like hold things the way they can? Or even better than them?

Second, if you look around at all of our senior citizens using walkers you have to ask yourself, wouldn’t it be better if our arms were longer and we could hold ourselves up better. We wouldn’t fall nearly as often as we do. Plus it would be really nice to be able to reach things way up in my cupboards. Or at least have the agility to be able to just hop right up onto the counter to get something out of reach.

Thirdly, I don’t like having a long narrow neck. It’s always causing me problems. There are roughly 14,000 broken necks suffered in the U.S. every year. Wouldn’t it be better it our necks were thicker and shorter like that of the ape?

So what am I saying? I’m not saying that evolution doesn’t exist, but I'm not so sure that we evolved from the apes. Perhaps we're a little too full of ourselves to think that we are better than apes. It seems to me that apes have it going on. Just look at the hair on their bodies. Think about the money that would be saved that could go to better use. No worries about fashion or sunscreen or expensive wrinkle creams. If we have all that hair we'd just embrace it. No more waxing, shaving, plucking. Apes have no need or use for all that self-inflicted torture.

Even their form of communication is far more advanced. They let out various grunts to let you know what their mood is and all the apes around understand. And if they really, really, truly get pissed off at one another, they don’t pull out a weapon. They throw shit. Think about it. No more mass school shootings. School shittings…yes…but…that’s a small price to pay. Right? Take a shower. You’ll be fine. (There’d be a whole new meaning to the phrase “you’re shitting me, right?”)

So there you have it—if we truly are evolved from apes then mother-nature has totally screwed us over, because seriously I think humans are a step back in the evolutionary chain.