Friday, September 30, 2011


Okay…now it’s an effing game with you.

You hover around bugging the shit out of me

When I finally start paying attention to you…you disappear.

When I least expect it…there you are again.

You have a weird attraction to me.

Even when I can’t see you I know you are nearby.

But I want nothing to do with you.

I wave you off.

But you strike a pose as if threatening me.

Oddly enough that gives me some relief.

Hoping it may help bring an end to your sick game.

But as soon I get close again, close enough to whack you.

You are up and off, once more.

Son of bitch.

I see the mischievousness in your gross and unblinking eyes.

Quit touching my hand and stay off my computer you creepy little thing.

I see you for what you are.

I can only imagine the parasitic diseases you must carry.

Go ahead keep distracting me...

keep irritating me...

because sooner or later

I will win this game you started.

You creepy...



Thursday, September 8, 2011

I HAVE A VISION…well, I have a television.

I thought now that I have some extra time I’d get caught up on important things… like TV.

What I discovered was shocking!  Television, especially daytime TV, sucks!

I think the network executives know this because they seem to be trying to spice things up by giving shows violent names like Storage Wars, Karaoke Battles, BeatBox Battles, Towing wars, and my favorite the Cupcake wars. (What can be better than violence and baked goods?)

If creatures from other planets got a glimpse of our current TV shows they would have to assume that we are an incredibly petty race considering the things we seem to be battling over.

The food network is one of the worst. Do the executives there really believe that men are that stupid? Do they think that giving baking shows brutal sounding names is is going to fool men into watching a couple gay guys and some fat broads whipping up a batch of cupcakes?

While baking shows are given violent names, game shows are just becoming more violent. I remember when people use to sit in chairs, answer questions, and a buzzer was used to indicate wrong answers. Now, contestants are thrown off catapults and buildings. They are thrown into water and pelted with objects. There is even a show that gives contestants an electric shock for answering wrong. What has happened? 

Groucho Marx’s “You Bet your life” would have a whole new meaning in today’s world.

I also can’t stand the excessive narcissism of reality shows. The Fanny Pack (aka the Kardashians) are the worst with their inordinate greed and gluttony. Even the commercials for the show are benign. There was actually one commercial that showed the Kardashians at the dentist and said “find out which Kardasian has a cavity”. (I bet millions were shaking with excitement for that riveting episode.)

I find it hard to believe that anyone cares which one has a cavity, or which one pees on herself, or which on farted in public. Seriously, if you are waiting on the edge of your seat to find out which Kardasian had a public butt malfunction, you need to get a life even more than I do.

We live in a weird society.

There's also a bizarre show called “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant”. In almost every episode a woman is in a bathroom in pain. She thinks she has a bad case of constipation, but ends up with a baby in the toilet. I really just think they should rename the show “OMG…Look What I Just Crapped Out!”

Another popular reality show that bugs me is the one with the plastic women. Their facial skin is pull so tight that they look like reconstructed burn victims. They have fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails, and fake tans. What is it called? What else…The Real Housewives. (Plah-leeze…)  A real housewife would be in sweats, a stained t-shirt, yelling at her kids while burning some Hamburger Helper on the stove.


Sunday, September 4, 2011

My "Been There...Done That...and Hell No" Bucket list

Recently I have been reviewing the whole “bucket list” subject again. It hasn’t been that easy to come up with items for my list (as noted in my Aug 13th blog), which I think surprised me a bit. I started asking around to see what other people had on their list.  It was an interesting exercise.  I actually found that (although inadvertently) I have already experienced many items on the bucket lists of others.


When asked what should be on a bucket list, a few people said “Make a difference or change in someone’s life”. It wasn’t until I was reviewing my notes when I realized that this statement needs some clarification. For instance, being fired from your job or being run over by a steam roller would make a difference and change in your life. Hell, for that matter, just by being born we changed someone’s life. (Our parents) We may have even taken away the privilege of being an only child from our sibling. So, I think technically we can all check that one off our list!

One person told me that he would like to finish all the miscellaneous things he started. At first I thought that sounded like a good goal, until I looked at the newly opened gallon of Tequila that I just bought from Costco. Perhaps that goal should be defined more clearly or that could kill me.

Someone had mentioned packing bags and taking off on a trip without an itinerary. Yep, done that! Not on purpose though. It was one of those trips where my husband and I thought the other had made arrangements. We slept in our car one night and spent the rest of the time in a lovely motel 6 with stains on the carpet and mold in the shower. I know…it sounds romantic… but really it wasn’t. I would never do that again. But at least I have another item in the “check” column.

Fly a plane: I not only flew a plane, but I owned it and built it. Impressive, huh? Granted it was made of balsa wood and was only 12 inches long. Plus, it only lasted about 3 flights. It was destroyed when it took a nose dive into the street and was run over by a Sparklett’s water truck. The horror has stuck with me and now I only fly paper.

Fly first class: Is that even an option anymore? Does sitting in the front row on a SouthWest flight count?

Visit the Eiffel Tower: I saw the one in Las Vegas…so who needs to see the real one? Right? (At least that’s what my husband keeps telling me.)

Build a pond: One of my friends said building a pond in their backyard was on their bucket list. I haven’t myself built a pond, but my son did in a field behind our house. So I guess you can say I aided and abetted in the creation. My son and his friend were either trying to build a pool or escape to the other side of the world. They got about 3 feet deep (which was impressive) and lost interest. It became a pond after the first rain. When it dried out, my son put a board over the top of it (in case they wanted to continue on their voyage to the center of the earth). What he ended up creating, was a den for one of our local coyotes. We discovered this in the spring when we had a bunch coyote pups running around. It did help us lower the rabbit population for a while. But we eventually had to evict them. So… Bucket list regarding a back yard pond – check. Aiding in the building of a habitat for wild life - check

Swim with sharks: I actually did this many years ago, but only by circumstance. I was participating in an organized group swim that went out and around the pier in Santa Cruz. Unbeknownst to us the restaurants on said pier were throwing out discarded fish parts. So in effect, they were chumming the waters. Several sharks were spotted within feet of us. You never saw a group of casual swimmers race so fast to shore. (I think some were even hydroplaning.) So, I can check “swim with sharks” off my list.

Wrestle a bear: While I have never actually wrestled a bear, I did go nose to nose with one. While in college I went backpacking with a group of friends. One morning I woke up to someone with really bad breath breathing on me. When I opened my eyes I found I was face to face with a bear standing over me and smelling my breath. I must have had the most horrendous morning breath to cause a bear to come out of the woods to investigate. Fortunately for me, he was just a yearling and was as afraid of me as I was of him. Like a scene out of a movie we both took off screaming in opposite directions. So, while I can’t say I wrestled a bear, I can say I scared a bear…but then again that may be a humiliating thing to admit.

Live in a foreign country for at least 6 months: Does living in East LA count? (Lived there for 2 years)

I will admit that there are items that others have put on their bucket lists that I have no desire to do. For instance:

Bungee jumping: I get a headache just bending over. I can only imagine that my head might explode if I hang for any length of time upside down by my ankles. Besides, I had a paper route as a kid and I had more rubber bands break on me then I care to think about.

Snorkel: I don’t really have a desire to snorkel. Unless that means to snore and chuckle at the same time which my husband has accused me of doing at times.

Run with the Bulls: I have no real desire to do this, unless it’s with Kurt Thomas or one of the other Chicago Bulls. (Although I’d prefer to walk)

Yoga retreat…One of my friends suggested this one, but I would prefer a yogurt treat (especially frozen yogurt).  I would go along with a retreat if that means a second helping.

So, there you have it. It’s not really a bucket list. In fact I still need to work on that. This would be more of a “been there, done that, and hell no” list.