THE TODDLER'S PLAYBOOK

I love toddlers! But I have discover some rules that each toddler should learn to adhere to. Please don't take this the wrong way. This is not for parents...this playbook is only a suggested guideline for all up-and-coming toddlers. It should be taken in the good-natured fun it was meant to be.

First let's talk about... 
DIAPERS CHANGES:

• Engage your parents during diaper changes. Rolling over at some stage in the process has proven to be effective, especially before the baby wipes have been used.
• Escaping before the fresh diaper is put on will gain you extra attention and possibly cause you to giggle.
• Make an effort to wait until AFTER your parents have dressed you in multiple layers to poop. They’ll enjoy the challenge.
• Extra points if you can wait until you are safely clicked into your car seat, before letting out that stinky explosion.

ASSERT YOURSELF:

• Shout often, parents are known to be hard of hearing. Even if they acknowledge you, it doesn't hurt to repeat yourself several times, to make sure they understand, as well as whenever anyone new enters the room.
• Whenever possible chase and terrorize the family pets, just to let them know who is in charge.
• As you get ready to leave a park or playground, let your parents know how much fun going to the park was. One of the best ways to do this is by telling them loudly that you do not wish to leave. (Extra points if you make it look like a kidnapping.) 

CLEANLINESS IS NOT NEXT TO TODDLINESS:

• Two rules to begin with: Clean houses are natural enemies to Toddlers. So, keep alert. As soon as a parent begins picking up toys move to a different room and spread toys out in that room. Once the living room is picked up make sure that it doesn't stay that way. Not only is this a fun game for your parents, but it is also a deterrent for burglars. Spread the toys strategically to form little toy land-mines.
  
• Parents also appreciate creativity. A simple way to express this is to decorate various rooms with half eaten food. This will keep your parents busy and entertained for hours, especially if you can successfully hide food that attracts ants. (Living art)

• It is also always a good idea to dump ALL of your toys out of the toy box before playing with any of them. (The one you want is most likely at the bottom.)

• When possible, slide as many toys as you can under the couch, coffee tables, bookcases, or any place that creates a challenge to find. It will be like Christmas when the furniture is moved years later and the missing toy is discovered.

• Extra points if you manage to get an adult to step on one.

PHONES:

• Remember, your parents know and expect you to be curious. As far as you are concerned everything in this world should be under scrutiny, especially ALL phones. Feel free to take, hide, throw, and smash them-- as well as place them in the toilet. Remember, every "no" brings you closer to a "yes."

• If someone tries to retrieve their phone from you, first scream and then throw it, this subtly lets them know that it makes you unhappy. 

• You should always be curious when your parents are on the phone. Sometimes this gives them some extra exercise as they attempt to move away from you. However, if they hold the phone to you, wanting you to talk, it is important to immediately walk away.

• If you are not able to walk away and your parents insist you talk on the phone. Scream something indiscernible into the phone as loud as you can.

OTHER STUFF:

• You have the awesome responsibility of controlling the sleep schedule of the household. So, as soon as you wake it is important that everyone else also needs to wake up. However, at bedtime explain that you are not tired. Hold out until you become an emotional wreck--this is guaranteed to enhance your adorableness while asleep.
  
• When parents are reading a book to you, understand that they tend to lose interest after the first page, so it is your job to keep them on their toes. This can be achieved by closing the book after the first page and getting another book. (Repeating the process with the successive books.)
  
• Eating is always a challenge. If  you do not like the food served to you, throw it on the ground in disgust—try to aim for the cat or dog while doing so. (They sit under you for that specific purpose.) You can always ask for a cookie instead of dinner.

AND LASTLY....STAY CUTE:

• When all else fails, don't forget to smile, give hugs, and put on that irresistible toddler cuteness! 

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Jerrold H. Zar in 1992. (Still Fitting today...11 years later)

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when I rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checker's Hour
spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flair,
Their are no fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a ware.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting too pleas.

Sauce Unknown

OMG I'm back!

Yes, After taking a hefty hiatus to write my novel I am finally back. In truth though, I think it's Twitter that has made me lazy. All I have to do is come up with 140 characters. That's just too easy. It's not even words... in fact it's generally something like fifteen words. Right?

So, I'm going to continue my lazy streak and blog some of my favorite...well...some of my tweets. So anyway, without any further ado, here they are:

• # hmmm...It used to be called the pound symbol.When did it turn into a hash tag? The drug crowd has way too much influence on twitter. :)
• I drank tequilla then mowed my lawn in honor of Cinco de Mayo.
• My Hubby bought an power screw driver, not he's screwing everything up.
• Since my house has lost values.I finally understand why my Realtor called himself a "broker"."
• That feeling you get when you see an armored car and think, "Yeah, I could take that"? That's how I feel about ice cream trucks."-Chuck Watkins‏@ChuckWatkinsEsq
• Don't you wish you had an "undo" button for life's everyday little "oh crap"s.
• What do you get if you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's witness? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all. it's #stillfunny
• Discovered a superhero today called 'Arm Fall Off Boy'  who’s power is to detach his own arm and use it to whack his enemies with." (It's real, see attached photo.)
• #Fall-Off-Arm-Boy. It would be interesting to see him battle it out with Kick Butt Boy.